Persai: failed in the cradle

02 September 2007
Persai is Ted D's new startup. Details are still sketchy, and will remain so until these e-tards finally wither away. The basic idea is that Persai will suck on everyone's RSS feed pipe, swish it around and then spit it out. The killer feature is "recommendations", probably based on a classifying algorithm they cribbed from an old IR paper. So not only will it suck for user #1, it will suck for every other user until their personal filter is trained.

A shitty idea deserves a shitty implementation. The whole thing depends on Rails plus a wobbly collection of Java search-engine-y stuff that keeps changing its name and is nowhere near as efficient or reliable as the Google software it tries to imitate. Bonus: Persai will be hosted on Amazon's EC2 for maximum falability. Read my lips, guys: $73/month plus bandwidth for a lamed webserver with no N-O S-L-A. This is what happens when math nerds-turned-Google interns design a server farm.

Congratulations! Your company is pursuing a

(X) pseudo-technical ( ) web 2.0 ( ) ad-based ( ) acquisition-based

approach to making money. Your idea fails. Here is why it fails. (One or more of the following may apply to your particular idea, and it may have other flaws which we couldn't be arsed to point out.)

(X) 80% of blog pages are robot-generated rips and spam
(X) of the remaining 20%, 95% are metoo posts
(X) "Authority" (i.e. "groupthink") is easily gamed and useless in any event
(X) storage and bandwidth are cheap, but not that cheap
( ) moving data to the CPU is still not cheap
(X) No one will pay to use this
( ) Google will not buy you
(X) Nicely-organized shit is still shit
( ) A dating site that actually works means no repeat customers, dummy.

Specifically, your plan fails to account for:

( ) Lack of central controlling authority for blogs
(X) Asshats
( ) Fakesters
(X) Providing actual value
(X) DMCA takedown notices
(X) Criminal investigations & liability
( ) Thundering Herds (not that you have any users)
(X) Scalability
( ) Hyperventilation about paedophiles/kiddie porn/bomb instructions
(X) Undocumented, alpha-quality, Open Source knock-offs of Google infrastructure
(X) Continued availability of Amazon compute services
( ) Languages other than English (you provincial e-tard)
(X) Extremely low marginal cost of blogspam
(X) Clickfraud
( ) Inherent failure of geocoding IP addresses
( ) Armies of worm-riddled, broadband-connected computers
(X) Eternal arms race involved in all filtering approaches
(X) Unpopularity of weird new search engines
(X) User Fatigue And Internet Login Syndrome (UFAILS)
( ) No one wants to be on the same social network as their mom
( ) Extreme stupidity of the internet public
( ) Extreme cupidity of the internet public
(X) Badly-coded blog readers
(X) Badly-coded feeds
(X) False positives that result in the replication of spammy data at your expense. (Thanks, asshole!)
(X) Search Engine payola
(X) Facebook

and the following philosophical objections may also apply:

(X) Ideas similar to yours are easy to come up with, yet all have failed
( ) Blacklists suck
( ) Whitelists suck
(X) PageRank-style ideas are patented, and also suck
(X) Clustering algorithms run in k^2 time or worse, and, furthermore, suck
( ) Other people should be able to talk about Ron Paul without us having to hear it
( ) Profitability should not involve AdSense
( ) Profitability should not involve banner ads or affiliate programs
( ) Userbase growth should not involve spamming address books
( ) Searching should be free
(X) Why should we have to trust you and your servers?
(X) Why should I listen to your sucky algorithm instead of my friends?

Furthermore, this is what I think about you:

( ) Sorry dude, but I don’t think it would work.
( ) This is a stupid idea, and you’re stupid for suggesting it.
(X) Nice try, assh0le! Go back to wanking on 4chan.

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